(no subject)

[degrees]

Okay, I declare this hiatus over for the moment.

Huzzah! ...I think. *grins*

Anyway. One of my guilty pleasures is romance novels. (Shut up, they're effing hilarious). And I just finished a really bad one. A REALLY bad one.

And now for your pleasure!

"My Lord Vampire": A Summary

SIMONE: I am a Mary Sue strong, independent woman! I don't need anyone else! But I do love to throw parties where the gentlemen can fawn over me. Did I mention that I'm pretty?
GIDEON: I am a vampire. I'm also arrogant, but I'll never admit that out loud. I've been sent to protect you, beautiful woman. Did I mention the very sight of you gives me a hard-on?
SIMONE: Protect me? It couldn't have anything to do with this necklace thing some creepy gypsy woman gave me, could it? No matter, I'm independent, I don't need you! Even if you do make me happy in the panties!
GIDEON: Yeah, well I'm here regardless. To protect you, and to be tempted by your vile human hormones and your disgustingly shiny blonde hair and... I must have you! Kiss me!
SIMONE: No! No! Okay!
GIDEON: Rock! Wait, I must not do this, I refuse to give away my cold vampire heart to anyone! This is not a blatant attempt at foreshadowing!
SIMONE: Psh, who needs you?

SIMONE: Servants, don't let anyone in today!
SERVANTS: Yes mistress!
GIDEON: I am also a Jedi. You will let me in! These are not the droids you are looking for!
SERVANTS: Go on in. She's in the parlour.
GIDEON: Excellent. Hellow you blonde goddess, who I've decided to drive to the sexual frustration to end all sexual frustration (while doing it to myself at the same time because I'm an idiot).
SIMONE: *facepalm* It's so hard to find good help. Go away.
GIDEON: You so want me.

TRISTAN: Hello! I'm another vampire. I'm the distinguished looking yet creepy villain of this novel. I have the potential to be badass, but that probably isn't going to happen, since Lizzie only bought this book for $1.99
SIMONE: Eh heh hello creepy man... go away please.
TRISTAN: Gimme your pretty necklace.
SIMONE: No can do.
TRISTAN: Damn... I'll be back. And I'm gonna ask again. Not so nicely.
SIMONE: You're a lot like that Gideon fellow who won't leave me alone.
TRISTAN: Oh, you know him?
SIMONE: You do too?
TRISTAN: We've had tea. Yes... tea.
SIMONE: ...Right...

GIDEON: *poke* You like me!
SIMONE: Psh, no I don't!
GIDEON: Yuh huh!
SIMONE: No! Now tell me your secrets even though I'm unwilling to divulge my own. A gentleman always tells a lady his dark secrets! It's a courtship ritual or something.
GIDEON: ...The hell? You know what, don't go into espionage. You're not cut out for it.
SIMONE: I'm independent! Have I mentioned I'm pretty?
GIDEON: Yeah, I kinda got that. Wanna make out?
SIMONE: Okay! Wait, not so much.
GIDEON: I need a cold shower.

TRISTAN: Watch as I sent a message to that dastardly Gideon. *rips the throats out of blonde prostitutes* Look, I'm Jack the Ripper II: With a Vengeance!
GIDEON: Oh look, a blonde ho is dead. Tristan must be trying to tell me something. What is it, girl? Has Timmy fallen down the well again?
DEAD PROSTITUTE: *lays there*
GIDEON: My god! He's trying to say that he'll kill Simone once he gets her necklace! Couldn't he have sent a note instead?
TRISTAN: IT WAS FOR EFFECT, YOU ASS!

RANDOM ACQUAINTANCE: You're friends with that tasty Gideon fellow, aren't you?
SIMONE: Yeah, we've exchanged saliva on an occasion or two.
RANDOM ACQUAINTANCE: Bitch. Anyway, I found this portrait of him, except it's 300 years old. Must be a family member or something.
SIMONE: Maybe... but probably not considering how much my vampire-sense is tingling.
RANDOM ACQUAINTANCE: Whatever. Just thought you'd want to know.

SIMONE: So... about that secret of yours...
GIDEON: Forget it.
SIMONE: Damn.

SIMONE: *is kidnapped*
GIDEON: Bastards! I must rescue her! To save the necklace! That's right... the necklace... And of course by "necklace" I mean "her sweet ass".
SIMONE: *is tied up*
GIDEON: Fear not, maiden in distress, I shall save you!
SIMONE: *eyeroll* And now we both must go. Not that I care anything about you.
GIDEON: No, you must flee, I must stay and fight!
SIMONE: You're an idiot. *runs*
GIDEON: *fights shambling servants of Tristan* Well, this is a lot tougher than I expected it to be.
SHAMBLING SERVANTS: *moan mindlessly*
GIDEON: Ack!
SHAMBLING SERVANTS: *stab stab stab stab stabstabstabstab*
SIMONE: I came back to save your sorry ass *bonks the shambling servants on the head with a convenient lead pipe*
GIDEON: Eh heh... *faints*
SIMONE: Fuck.

GIDEON: *wakes up* Where am I? Did we do it?
SIMONE: In your carriage and no. We're on the way to the doctor.
GIDEON: No need. Take me home.
SIMONE: Have I mentioned you're an idiot?
GIDEON: I believe I heard it a while ago. But I really don't need a doctor.
SIMONE: What are you talking about? You were just turned into swiss cheese! You should be dead *sees that his wounds are nearly healed* ...Whut?
GIDEON: Told you so.
SIMONE: To your home it is.
GIDEON: Excellent. Will you stay with me and play nurse?
SIMONE: Only if you're a good boy.
GIDEON: Oh, I'm -very- good.
SIMONE: You're an ass, but I feel sorry for you, so I'll let that one slide. Plus, I feel squishy whenever I'm around you, and I aaaaaalmost trust you.
GIDEON: Eh, I'll take what I can get.

CREEPY GYPSY: Gideon you're an idiot. You'r going to lose if you don't tell her what you are. And Tristan will win. And our world will be destroyed. And everyone will blame you. And nobody will play with you after that.
GIDEON: But... she'll hate me! She won't be my friend any more!
CREEPY GYPSY: Yeah, you're an idiot. Do it anyway.
GIDEON: *sighs* Fine.

GIDEON: Simone, I have something to tell you.
SIMONE: I don't think I want to hear --
GIDEON: I'm a vampire.
SIMONE: Wait, like fangs and blood and scary?
GIDEON: Yes, that would be essentially correct.
SIMONE: ...Ah hah. Pardon me while I go angst over this for a while.
GIDEON: Take your time.

TRISTAN: Well, while they're distracted, I think I shall take it upon myself to find out the deep, dark secret that this Simone creature has. Something that dastardly Gideon should have done himself, if he were any sort of good protector. Idiot. *finds out the secret*

SIMONE: Hm. Seems I have a note. *reads* "I know something Gideon doesn't know. Ha ha ha." *gasp* Oh no, he knows my secret! *reads more* "Come to the docks. Come alone. Don't think of getting MI5 involved... wait, this ambiguous time period seems to be set before they existed... Oh well. No police. Or else everyone else finds out about you, you faker." *weeps* I must go see Gideon! That filthy filthy vampire!

GIDEON: Well hello there, come for a bit of vampire loving?
SIMONE: Not so much. Actually I'm here because I got this.
GIDEON: Oh, a note. *read* Ah.
SIMONE: Yes.
GIDEON: You ready to tell me what you're hiding?
SIMONE: I suppose. See, I'm not really who I say I am. My name is Mary Sue Sally Jenkins, and the real Simone was my half sister. I took on her identity when she died at the hand of bandits.
GIDEON: That's all? I mean... my poor darling.
SIMONE: I KNOW! POOR ME!
GIDEON: Suck it up, princess. I'll fix it for you.
SIMONE: My hero!

TRISTAN: Well, I thought you were dead at the hands of my shambling servants.
GIDEON: Not so much.
TRISTAN: Ah well, let's end this.
GIDEON: Sounds good to me.
TRISTAN & GIDEON: *fight*
GIDEON: *stabs*
TRISTAN: *turns to dust*
SIMONE: *fellates Gideon in gratitude* ... *not really, though*

GIDEON: So, now that's over. Wanna make out?
SIMONE: Yeah, okay.
GIDEON: I totally love you. In a way I swore that I'd never love another person. You've melted my cold vampire heart.
SIMONE: I love you too, you idiot.
GIDEON: You want to bond with me? In a ceremony straight out of bad Harry Potter fanfiction?
SIMONE: I can live with that.
GIDEON: *performs ceremony... reminiscent of Anne Rice novels, but much, much shorter* Can we have sex now? I'm tired of the UST.
SIMONE: I'm a virgin, though. And I want to wait until I'm married.
GIDEON: Well, in a surprising coincidence I just happen to have a marriage licence in my pocket.
SIMONE: Nifty.

THE END.


Yeah, that sucked.